Mothers Teaching Daughters

My Mother, Me, and My Daughter

How many of us have good relationships with our daughters or mothers?

I’m obviously someone’s daughter, but I am also someone’s mother. From the time I was born until my mid-teens I was the quiet nerdy type. I read books for hours, adored drawing and writing, spoke to God, respected most adults, was terrified to speak up, even sat on the stairs by myself during lunch time when I was in High School. I began to want desperately to have friends, but I was too afraid to get up and talk to anyone. Every day I would say, “Today is the day that I’m going to go down there and make some friends”. That day never really came. Now if I had of understood the meaning of introvert, and that it is ok to have that personality type, perhaps I would not have been so desperate to have friends, (the wrong type of friends.) Sadly, my desperation lead to some awful choices in my life. The good girl persona had all but disappeared. I started drinking, cursing, getting into fights, which I was terrified of, I became promiscuous, a liar, and bit of a bully, all because I thought that was what my ‘friends’ wanted from me. God’s voice became faint, but I could still feel Him. I hit my rock bottom after I turned 18 and moved to Arizona with my dad. By that time, I had an almost non-existent relationship with my mother. I was happy to leave, and she was happy to see me go.

I got into some bad things in Arizona. I did manage to make a friend who I am still friends with today. Hi Francesca! (Prepare your hearts for this one), I became pregnant with no clue of who I was pregnant by. I had to tell my dad, who suggested I have an abortion, which I did not want to do. So, I called my mom, who surprised me by saving, “Come home, and we will help you take care of the baby.” I heard God in her voice, and I realized I wanted our relationship back. I saw her different after that conversation. (My mom is now my best friend.) Unfortunately, shortly after I spoke to her I suffered a very painful miscarriage. I was very sad about it, and a few weeks later I flew back home.

It wouldn’t be until 3 years later after a failed engagement, another miscarriage, meeting and failing in love with my new boyfriend, marrying him, that my 1^st child (a daughter) was born. But see when the ultrasound tech told me she was a girl, I literally cried out of fear of her being like me when I was a mid-teen. My husband held me and said, “You’re going to be a great mom, don’t worry you’ll see”. I could not have been more blessed with a greater guy!

When my daughter was born, she was premature, 4 pounds, 10 ounce and breach. But when I held her for the first time, I wept hard and for a long time, and I thanked God for such a special gift. Even though they told me she may develop slower than some, (boy were they wrong) my mom and I prayed every day for her to come home. Within a week, she was home.

As she grew into a teenager, I began having very important but typical talks with her about hygiene, her cycle, etc. But then something occurred to be as she overwhelmingly got caught lying to her father and me. I was remined of my own past and how I never fully understood why value and worth in one’s self is so important until I became an adult. I started noticing her mood swings changing often. How she valued having friends more than God and her family and even herself. How she had these thoughts that she wasn’t important or special. I could not have that! I began taking her on mother and daughter dates. We would talk for hours, and eat out, have ice cream, and go to the movies. I made sure to let her do most of the talking, hug her, hold her hand. Tell her how much she is loved by me and her dad, but God loves her the most because He gave her as a gift to us. I would tell her that she is priceless. Her value and worth could never amount to a number. How proud of her we are, and how smart and talented she is, (and she really is, her grades and drawings are amazing.) She still has her down and insecure moments, but she and I talk through them. I pray with her and tell her about self-love and God.

Mothers and daughters, if your own mothers and daughters are still with you, then it is never too late to build a relationship. If they are not, you can always pray and ask God to show you whom you can build that type of relationship with. Be led by God, find value in you and your family. Love hard and respect one another. Address all issues with love and respect.

ShaVaughn White

Assumptions and Where They Take Us

“Our misguided feelings lead to misguided thoughts, which causes misguided responses”. -Wendy Pope

A woman sees a man at a local grocery store who is extremely handsome and well kept. She says to herself: I wish I could date a man like this. In her mind she is already defeated because of how she looks. She came to the store wearing a beanie, house shoes, and pajamas, just to get milk for cereal. Her focus went back to the reason why she came. But because she was in a rush, she dropped one of the grocery bags just as Mr. Handsome was walking out. He spotted her and offered to help, which she hesitantly accepted. They strike up a nice conversation and after realizing they had a mutual friend in common, exchange numbers. Over the next few days they texted frequently, and he seems to like chatting with her. But in her mind, she can’t understand what he sees in her, because she didn’t look good when they first met. They arrange to go out on a date a week later, but when date night came, he stopped replying to her text. Heartbroken, she assumed that he realized he could find someone better looking. She thought he was way out of her league anyway. A few days later she runs into their mutual friend. He tells her that Mr. Handsome was in an accident, and he broke his leg along with his phone. He is in the hospital recovering and was asking about her. Immediately her mood changes, and she visits him at the hospital. He apologizes for not being able to reach her. A little ashamed she responds, “I just thought you weren’t interested in me because of how I looked when we met”. He laughs and tells her he thinks both her and personality are attractive. He says, “I am not a vain and shallow man. I can spot a beautiful soul from miles away. What you wear is not as important as who you are”. After recovering and buying a new phone, they have their first date, and within 2 years get married and have a child.

Don’t you just love a happy ending!

It is true that a lot of situations don’t turn out like this, but the romanticized notion in this story is NOT the point. The point is: YOUR ASSUMPTIONS AREN’T ALWAYS RIGHT AND THEY CAN DUPE YOU!

Both feelings and emotions can be deceiving. They may cause you to react in an unbefitting manor. I have been in this space before, many times. Always assuming, but never asking the right questions. Never searching for the reason. We are deceived by our thoughts when we rely to heavy on emotions instead of wisdom and understanding.

Proverbs 3:13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.

Temper Tantrums

So you’re not going to give me what I want? YOU’RE MEAN!

Why do we equate meanness for not getting what we want? Sometimes adults are nothing more than children in big peoples’ bodies! Growing up, we thought like kids: If you tell me that two letter word then you’re mean! I might even hate you! To children, parents were amazing until they were told no. Then it became: You’re the meanest mommy or daddy on earth! The crying continued for some time. It even became louder when they felt ignored. Hmm, I wonder how long a child will throw themselves on the ground over and over again until the answer changes. Isn’t that the definition of insanity? True, It does seems typical for a child to throw a tantrum when he or she doesn’t get what they want. But what about adults? Women especially. Is your internal tantrum seeping out? All of the whining and crying when you don’t get your way has to stop. Let’s say a young women is in love with a man who does not want a full on committed relationship, should she beg until he says yes? What if YES never comes? Better yet, let’s say a woman desires a friend to be at her beck and call, but that friend has her own life and can not always come when she calls. Is her friend mean or careless with her feelings for putting her own issues first? This tends the be the way we handle things as women. Although we all have different situations, I’m inclined to believe that all things can be handled with grace and dignity. Hearing a simple NO should be enough for us to consider what we are asking and how it may make the individual on the other side of the spectrum feel or even view us. Self-awareness is about being consciously alert to your own character, emotions, desires, and motives. After all, we are not children anymore. It seems necessary to finally grow up.